the basics of human connective emotion is rooted in childhood. loving parents breed emotionally sound children, unless external or genetic sources play a damaging role; whereas abusive parents, specifically emotionally abusive parents, breed emotionally damaged children.
the extent to which both of kate’s parents emotionally abused her, in addition to the extent of the sexual & physical abuse of her father, meant that the emotionally formative years of her life were essentially devoid of positive emotion. as a preemptive protective measure, her parents also severely limited any connections kate had with the outside world, & made sure she lied to anyone who asked too many questions. this included extensive blackmail, extensive lying, all to the point of convincing kate that keeping quiet would be her only safe option.
she was told that if she told anyone, she would be taken away from her parents- on the face of it, not a bad thing, but the information given to her included that she would be put into care, & that all care homes were far worse places than her current situation. after all, her father had a good job; they were rich & had a lovely home, & even had staff to do the things her parents didn’t want to (cook, clean, etc.). kate’s parents essentially drilled into her, from a very young age, that that was the best she was ever going to get, & that telling the truth would take her from that safety (even if that safety was irrefutably filled with suffering- it was a known pain, not an unexpected one).
this keeping her sheltered from the outside world & its dealings also very much contributed to the long held belief that the same kind of abuse happened in every home, that it was normal. having never made friends with other children or spoken truthfully to adults (with the belief that what happened within the home stayed within the home), & never being allowed to watch television, it was a long while before her brain kicked in & told her it was wrong. she suspected from the age of seven (noticing the other kids didn’t have bruises all over their bodies- maybe their daddies were better at covering them?), but only truly knew from about ten (about a year to a year and a half after her father first raped her).
as a direct result, processing affection & positive emotion is extremely complex & difficult. this rears its head in all sorts of friendships (platonic love)- especially with men- & very much so in relationships (romantic love). she craves affection & kindness, after never having it as a child, & gets attached very easily, but at the same time, she desperately pushes people away as a defence mechanism. the specific feeling of love, & all associated with it, is very difficult to process- she is wretchedly unfamiliar with those emotions, & actually physically does not understand them. it takes a long time for her to say i love you, purely because she cannot tell whether or not she does love someone, & she wants to protect people from the brokenness that lives within her.
she perceives herself as broken & unlovable, & that her own incapacity to process emotion will break any attachment in which she ever finds herself involved. & therefore, yes- she does push people away; she does fuck up on purpose to make people want to hate her; she does keep secrets obsessively. all to drive people to leave her. but anyone that’ll stick through everything? those are the people to whom she will become painfully attached, & those are the people whose leaving will wreck her most.
the basics of human connective emotion is rooted in childhood. loving parents breed emotionally sound children, unless external or genetic sources play a damaging role; whereas abusive parents, specifically emotionally abusive parents, breed emotionally damaged children.
the extent to which both of kate’s parents emotionally abused her, in addition to the extent of the sexual & physical abuse of her father, meant that the emotionally formative years of her life were essentially devoid of positive emotion. as a preemptive protective measure, her parents also severely limited any connections kate had with the outside world, & made sure she lied to anyone who asked too many questions. this included extensive blackmail, extensive lying, all to the point of convincing kate that keeping quiet would be her only safe option.
she was told that if she told anyone, she would be taken away from her parents- on the face of it, not a bad thing, but the information given to her included that she would be put into care, & that all care homes were far worse places than her current situation. after all, her father had a good job; they were rich & had a lovely home, & even had staff to do the things her parents didn’t want to (cook, clean, etc.). kate’s parents essentially drilled into her, from a very young age, that that was the best she was ever going to get, & that telling the truth would take her from that safety (even if that safety was irrefutably filled with suffering- it was a known pain, not an unexpected one).
this keeping her sheltered from the outside world & its dealings also very much contributed to the long held belief that the same kind of abuse happened in every home, that it was normal. having never made friends with other children or spoken truthfully to adults (with the belief that what happened within the home stayed within the home), & never being allowed to watch television, it was a long while before her brain kicked in & told her it was wrong. she suspected from the age of seven (noticing the other kids didn’t have bruises all over their bodies- maybe their daddies were better at covering them?), but only truly knew from about ten (about a year to a year and a half after her father first raped her).
as a direct result, processing affection & positive emotion is extremely complex & difficult. this rears its head in all sorts of friendships (platonic love)- especially with men- & very much so in relationships (romantic love). she craves affection & kindness, after never having it as a child, & gets attached very easily, but at the same time, she desperately pushes people away as a defence mechanism. the specific feeling of love, & all associated with it, is very difficult to process- she is wretchedly unfamiliar with those emotions, & actually physically does not understand them. it takes a long time for her to say i love you, purely because she cannot tell whether or not she does love someone, & she wants to protect people from the brokenness that lives within her.
she perceives herself as broken & unlovable, & that her own incapacity to process emotion will break any attachment in which she ever finds herself involved. & therefore, yes- she does push people away; she does fuck up on purpose to make people want to hate her; she does keep secrets obsessively. all to drive people to leave her. but anyone that’ll stick through everything? those are the people to whom she will become painfully attached, & those are the people whose leaving will wreck her most.
|DEEP SCARS| whoops
YOU HAVE BEEN ON THIS EARTH FOR ELEVEN YEARS . when you breathe , you breathe the ashes of your childhood , burned to the ground . you have known this from the beginning , && accepted it long ago . you are WISER THAN YOUR MEEK YEARS
- remember this . remember this , even when you break . remember this , even when you lie . it’s okay .
you came home from school , put your bag away , helped maria with dinner , ate in silence , went straight to bed . IT ’ S YOUR BIRTHDAY- your mother gave you a phone she bought with your father’s money ( you have no friends , && do not need it ) ; maria made you a bracelet && apologised that she could not get you more ( you loved the thought she put in )- it doesn’t matter , && you do not want to celebrate the day you were born into HELL .
so you lie in bed , eyes jammed shut , fists clasped together beneath the sheets . you watched your father down a bottle of whiskey with dinner , hidden by his insistence to pour it into that stupid fucking crystal glass- but you watched the level go down , watched him pour the LIQUID HATRED down his gullet . you know he will visit you , that there is no point in BEGGING FOR SLEEP when he will only wake you with his fists .
